"CREATE OR DIE."

Create or Die.  How dramatic.

This command makes me laugh tonight: create, die anyway. Create a LOT, die regardless.  Don't create--slow death.  Choose not to create--spiritual suicide.  So, create or die.

Create or die,
Create or Die,
CREATE OR DIE
Create
or
die.

A life poem.
One stanza.

Sufjan Stevens at the Masonic Temple this past Monday--an orgy of sound, soul, lights, ART.  Sacred creativity.  Profane and disappointing t-shirt, however.  "Hustler."  Really?  At one point in the show, the shadows shifted; my mind played tricks, and the letters shifted to "Freedom."  Or something similar.  I forgave.  Then they shifted back.  I wondered, "Do peoples' clothing choices really have THAT much power to impact my emotional experience?"  Disappointing, though, yes.  It would be nice to enjoy someone's art without having to "brush aside" the exploitation-called-humor.

“You can’t change your history. But you can choose to relinquish the anger, and you can choose to recognise that there’s no perfect way to cultivate a person. I believe motherhood is sainthood. That the work of a parent is the work of a saint – whether you choose to relinquish that or not.”
-Sufjan Stevens, to Dave Eggers, in:
http://www.theguardian.com/music/2015/mar/26/sufjan-stevens-dave-eggers-carrie-lowell-i-was-recording-songs-means-of-grieving

Recording songs as a means of grieving.  Yep, that resonates.  Create or die.  Create THEN die.  Create while dying.  Die trying.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.  NO DAY BUT TODAY! 

Fuck me. 

Earlier today I felt like I was going crazy.  Like, looking people in the eye, disassociated, caged animal backed into a corner trying to bite the caregiver kind of crazy.  People backing away from me while I looked them in the eye kind of crazy.  People retreating into themselves by being near me kind of crazy.  Feeling disconnected from myself and soul kind of crazy. 

Dancing helps(ed).  Closing my eyes always helps.  I pushed Simone out of my "birth canal" for four hours with my eyes closed.  Sacred silence.  No C-section baby in my vagina's cards--and I'm grateful for that.  Thank you, God/dess, for salvaging some empowerment in my home-birth-cum-hospital birthing plan transfer.  Thank you for my life, although I nearly constantly feel guilty and ashamed that I am not doing enough to honor YOU, It, me, them, All Of It.  Like, haven't I been around far too long to feel this sorry for myself?  And, will I REALLY choose sugar over singing?

Fuck this. 

So, my soul drove me to Safe House Center tonight for a Speak Out.  I picked my daughter up from school at 5:42 PM with only my car keys in my pocket (id-phone-money-purse at home; it was that kind of crazy-collapse day) and knew I was going to Safe House and I had to be there by 6 PM.  Surprised to see so many cars when I pulled up, I asked the four female volunteers who greeted me in the lobby, "Am I in the right place?"
"For the Speak Out?  Yes, it hasn't started yet."
"Oh, there is a Speak Out tonight?  How interesting.  This is my first time here, and my soul drove me here."
"You should mention that when you are sharing your story."

If you are unfamiliar with Speak Outs, they are a 1970s second-wave feminist "consciousness-raising" event where survivors of violence share their stories in a safe, supportive setting to break the silence, the shame, the stigma surrounding "survivorship."  Survivor: one who was victimized but is no longer a victim.  Or a perpetrator.  So I'm not there yet, at least today.  Not with people retreating into themselves and backing away when I look them in the eyes.

I felt like I was going to hurt people.  I could feel my anger oozing out of my pores, demanding that the present-day people in my life are responsible for noticing my pain and facilitating my healing.  As if my healing were anyone's responsibility except for my own.  I have to want it.  And I've been so consumed with bitterness, I have not even cared enough to want it.  My hope as I write this is that G*d will carry me through this doubt, this mistrust, this anger, this pain, these waves of collapse-bitterness-despair just like I've been carried through before.  Perhaps this is an experiential faith walk.  I'm starting to feel "faith" in my heart and body, not just my mind.  And, strangely, this is when I'm starting to come into contact with my real rage and aggression.

Peter Levine councils that the restoration of instinctual (self-protective) aggression is integral to healing trauma ("Waking the Tiger").

Here we go.

Onwards and upwards!

Midway through 2012

Today I put it out into the universe that I am a "metaphysical writer," so what better way to follow up than with some writing on the metaphysical?

We are midway through 2012 and things are changing very quickly.  Healing and awareness are, at times, a painful path, and it is with the support of a strong and loving community that I am willing and able to make it through.

My daughter turned two last week and in honor of her second year I organized a sacred blessing ritual with our "neighborhood shaman/witch."  :p  It doesn't feel as important not to name myself anymore; in fact, I am going to carry this blog through on faith and love instead of fear.  So, my daughter's name is Simone.  I am Sara.  Our local shaman shall remain unnamed... for now, anyway.

The blessing was a beautiful ritual that was not only about honoring Simone's Earth path, but about blessing and acknowledging my path as a mother, for strong and well-supported mothers raise healthy daughters.  We were enveloped in a lovely circle of some of the most important women in my life.  Their prayers for my path as a mother were powerful and received with an open heart. 

Love, love, love, love
Sisters, this is our calling
Love each other as ourselves
For we are one

Simone's guardian animal was revealed, and apparently she is born into the highest initiation point in the Ojibway tradition... which I will be learning more about within the next couple of days.

Rise, rise, little butterfly, rise
To the calling of your Spirit
Fly free, purposefully
And know you are held in Love

I continue to commit and re-commit to a path of discipline and dedication, ever trying to create stronger boundaries and a sense of self so that I may remain clear and high in consciousness.

Thank you for reading.

Infinite Blessings!

So grateful to be on this path.  So much has happened this year.  In brief:

-I became a single mama
-I went into recovery
-my grandmother passed away
-my dad had a stroke
-my mom's cancer returned
-my daughter's dad became incarcerated, possibly for life, after committing a heinous atrocity against mankind/one of his "friends"
-I have moved twice & been almost homeless
-I have been living in extreme poverty
-I have started several new jobs
-I HAVE STAYED SOBER

This year has forced me to get serious about what is important, necessary, and valuable.  Spiritual boot camp (ugh, don't like the military reference, but I'm keeping the metaphor).

It was a terrible, horrifying shock to learn of the crime that my ex committed.  I created a baby with him!  I spent many months in close cohabitation, and love with him.  Our souls touched, especially in the times we were together in creating our daughter.  Shock... needing blankets, warmth, comfort, and to talk.

I laid on the Earth.  Called recovering acquaintances and friends.  Asked for & received an amazing Al Anon sponsor.  Journaled, smelled essential oils, slept, rested, exercised, bathed in sea salt, prayed, meditated, CRIED.  Went to meetings.  And more.

Less than a month later, gratitude remains--that I have the luxury of a clear boundary (jail), that I do not have to deal with his draining & soul-sucking life force (weekend visits), that it has become crystal clear that I will be riding off into the sunset on my own white horse (no child support or help from his family).  I'm grateful that we never legally established paternity, so he has no rights to our daughter (not that a judge would order me to take her to see him, at least in this county).

Further gratitude since my last post:
-a job I love with people who appreciate me (tutoring writing at local community college)
-making magic happen to come up with the move-in monies for our beautiful home!!!
-the cheapest rent around for the best location!
-hiking trails all around our house & neighborhood
-my spiritual teachers & guides
-Awakening.
-insurance covering my eating disorders group
-libraries
-rose-colored light
-11/11/11
-internet radio
-sliding scale, holistic therapy
-the pain & providence of the healing path
-my daughter learning how to communicate
-affordable childcare
-free legal services
-local folk music festival at an organic farm
-greater opportunities for joy, strength, resolve, determination, healing.

I am very blessed!  Honestly, truly, I could never have anticipated being this strong or as clear about where I am and where I'm going.  The gifts of awakening--seeing orbs, light beings, feeling contact in my body.  So much more to tell and discover.  Leaving you with some powerful affirmations & prayers:

- All is well. All is as it should be. I am loved and supported always.
- I (we) CAN HANDLE THIS.
- May I be at peace. May my heart remain open. May I awaken to the light of my own true nature. May I be healed. May I be a source of healing for all things.
- I am the place of the shifting resonance. I am the rose-colored light.


Love, love, looooooooove, and infinite blessings!

Spiraling

It's been awhile.

Early recovery sucks.  It's so hard.  I think it would be easier if I wasn't a perfectionist.  I keep learning about more & more of my imperfections, which is unfortunately a cue for me to be self-abusive & abandoning (unless I'm vigilant).  I am so tired of beating myself up.  The frustrating part is that it's hard for me to see the other way.  I am a superstar in my own world, blind to other paths.

I see things so extremely.  I keep thinking my choices are to go back to work and have my daughter raised by strangers, or become homeless but at least I'll get to raise my daughter.  There has got to be some middle ground here!  (I am laughing at myself right now.)  PERFECTIONISM.  All or nothing.  Supermom or Mommy Dearest.  Needless to say, I haven't been looking for jobs too seriously.

But part of that reason is that I don't have a laptop.  Right now I am on my brother's, which he graciously loaned to me for a week.  It is much easier to get online when baby goes down for the night than to drag her to the local library.  I really need a laptop.

I also really need $7,000+ for a place I want to move in to.

If you're reading, I appreciate prayers & good thoughts.  I want to move into prosperity & abundance.

Lastly, "29 Gifts" was a great read about moving from scarcity consciousness & self-pity into self-worth.  Loved it.

Painful birthday

Yesterday was my daughter's dad's birthday.  It was so much easier when I could call him "partner" or "boyfriend," you know?  This weekend was the first time I was really able to start processing the pain of our break up.  Feeling not loved by him triggers so many big feelings in me about feeling unloved and unworthy growing up.  I have been thinking a lot about childhood, which to me is a necessity when you become a parent:

"The unexamined past becomes the future of the next generation" (ACOA Big Book)

I have already been doing this work since becoming pregnant, but that quote above sums it up succinctly.  Abusive behaviors hook into us, and unless we face our painful (often shameful) past, we hand it on down to our kids.  This is what "generational shame and abuse" looks like.  I digress.

Her dad is not working.  Sometimes I forget the first step, that I'm powerless over anyone besides myself, and beg & plead with him to start working and take care of us.  All it does is make him feel criticized and controlled.  An interesting(?) thing about criticism & control is that this weekend I realized, along with "analyzation," that they are the trifecta of what "intimacy" means to me.  Seriously?!  Yes, criticism, control, and analyzation.  Those are not intimate behaviors, but deeply embedded within me is this awful reenactment of "intimacy."  Yuck.  I have been told (by abusive people in my life) that I treat strangers better than loved ones.  I have known that to be true, and I used to justify it.  Now I'm starting to realize that just because someone is horrifically, stupendously not meeting my needs, does not justify my being abusive towards them.  In those instances, it's time to step away.

I am also learning to battle this eating disorder of bingeing.  I am learning there are many ways to "self-soothe" besides with food, but, it will take time to employ them and put them to good use in my daily life.  The food really is an addiction, that sometimes puts my and my daughter's needs aside.  Last night, for example, it was bed time and instead of going home I drove around eating Taco Bell with her in the back seat.  There was a time just a couple weeks ago where she reliably slept in her car seat if she was tired, but now she is fighting it, and there is something really off to me about me sitting up front eating while she squirms and yells in the back seat.  In the car at sunset is certainly not the sleep cue of in bed with the fan on in her pajamas.  Ugh.

I am trying to be easier on myself (I've been told for SO LONG to be easier on myself without knowing how) but it's really difficult when you know a way that is best, yet choose to do something else (even something that is self-harmful, or harmful to others, if only mildly).  Is this being human??  I don't know. This whole "imperfection" thing is difficult for me to wrap my mind around.  :)

I'm feeling much more integrated and connected to myself, and to the universe.  It is actually a relief to feel feelings.  It helps me to be integrated.  I have such trouble loving myself and integrating.  Usually when I "evolve" or change I REALLY devalue how I used to be.  That is part of why I've been devaluing my daughter's dad so much--I don't value who I was when I was with him.  I need to start being gentle and loving with all parts of myself, even the parts that no longer serve me.

The spirit of addiction and abuse runs deep.  It is insidious.  I think this is why her dad & I have such a hard time communicating, and our interactions get really confusing.  We are trying to be loving towards each other, but somehow it keeps getting tangled up.  Is this "us" or is this something that lives inside us?

One cool thing about my Taco Bell car run yesterday is that I was compelled to get off the freeway at an exit I've never been to before.  About 1/2 mile down the road we came across a family of deer.  One deer in particular kept staring at me steadily, even though her family had bounded off a bit.  I walked into the woods to see what their area is like, and it was absolutely beautiful.  Majestic.  I walked around with my daughter, touched some moss and some beautiful old trees, and the energy of that area was so peaceful.  I found a decomposing skull under a big beautiful tree, and I want to ask my teacher what kind of skull it is.  Is it disrespectful to the animal that I only want it if it's wild (racooon, fox, etc.), but not a domesticated dog or cat?  :)  I want to be a woman who runs with the wolves.  The heron, deer, and rabbit are with me right now.

Baby just woke up....

Partying in the landscape of myself

So much has happened since I last wrote!

I just put down the ACA "Big Book."  WOW.  wow, wow, wow wow wowwwww.  I need a highlighter for every sentence.  I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND THIS PROGRAM.  I am so thankful to have picked this book up again in this moment.

Where to start?  What to focus on?

For one, the soul retrieval/shamanism class is incredible.  I didn't know healing could occur at this level, in community.  It is repairing so much within me.  Last week we took a shamanic "journey" through the landscape of our own bodies, and I was saddened, shocked, & dismayed at what I found.  At my root chakra there was an angry red bramble, overgrown to prevent any intrusions.  I got lost in my womb chakra--it was foggy, cold, dark, expansive.  Confusing.  At my solar plexus there was yellow shattered glass.  It was difficult for me to share what I found with the rest of the class, my sisters in healing, because I felt very vulnerable & exposed.

On Wednesday I started with some sea salt baths to detoxify old spiritual & energy matter that is no longer serving me.  Apparently the magnetism of the darkening moon (dark moon was Sunday), mixed with the sea salt, literally pulls old stuff out of your body.  I started small(ish) from Wednesday-Friday, in terms of the amount of salt & the process (having my daughter in there with me, for one!) but Saturday she was with her daddy...

Whoa.  I had a super mystical journey back through the landscape of myself.  I thought the bath was a half hour or so; I got out, and 2-3 hours had passed.  I don't care to name it all here because I think that is disrespectful to what happened.  Let's just say, the healing process is magical indeed.  Later that day I was running faster than I have in a decade, climbing trees, & came across a family of deer who weren't afraid of me.  REALLY cool.

The first day of class was so incredible.  We did this healing circle & I also don't want to describe it, but I am so happy to be embraced in this community of spiritual women.  It is exactly the right place for me.

What's my soul's path?  Healer?  Teacher?  Writer?  Therapist?  I am opening up to abundance, to happiness, to self-love.  I am opening up.

Here, here!

Every Experience, A Lesson

I can sometimes remind myself of the thought that "every experience is a lesson."  Right now I'm having trouble with my milk supply (I'm breastfeeding my nine-month-old), and it's difficult to try to understand the lesson in this.  I believe it's partly that I need to remain centered & steady when parenting my daughter around my own parents.

My parents (& their siblings) would be the first to tell you how traumatic and terrible their childhoods were.  My aunt, my mother's sister, likes to say to me, "You don't know what abuse IS, honey!"  Apparently she is the only one who has ever experienced an abusive situation.

I have been working with homeopathics & flower essences, in addition to some other natural remedies, to help heal (and recognize) patterns of abuse.  My brothers and I have been invalidated so many times that it's really hard for us to trust our own experiences.  Do substance abuse, anxiety, & depression issues in our late teens and early 20's not spell out our histories?  One brother has a tendency to say things like, "We were never beaten, so we didn't experience abuse."  Minimizing what happened.  Denying it happened like it did.  Blaming ourselves.  In truth, our parents didn't beat us, but there was a whole lot of other stuff that went on.

Two weeks ago my dad, my brother, my ex-boyfriend/fiance, and myself went out to lunch at a chain Italian restaurant.  For an appetizer, the restaurant serves bread that you dip in olive oil & pepper (both conveniently kept right on your table).  My brother innocently used the last of the olive oil to dip his bread in, enjoying his meal, and my dad leaned across the table and smacked him, "I was going to eat that!"  And I watched my brother shrink down into himself, like a flower wilting before my eyes.

I was furious, I was horrified.  My instinct was to jump across the table and grab my dad by the throat.  I don't remember what I actually said or did, though I know I must have been visibly angry & uncomfortable, but through working with ACA & understanding the Perpetrator-Victim-Rescuer triangle a bit, I decided to remove myself (not act as Rescuer) and say/do nothing in that moment.  However, IF THIS IS GOING ON IN A PUBLIC PLACE WHILE WE ARE ADULTS, WHAT HAPPENED TO US AS CHILDREN?  My memory has so many holes, it's hard to remember.  It's hard to know. 

At 13 I had my first nonconsensual sexual experience when a friend from school assaulted me; I tried my first drink six months later, at 14.  That summer I also tried marijuana for the first time.  The next summer, at 15, was spent being sexually abused by an 18 or 19-year-old guy who told me "this is what a relationship is" (and sadly, I believed him), and he tried to rape me a couple times ("boys will be boys!" I told myself).  When we broke up, I found comfort in an online relationship with another older guy.  I had my dad drop me off at his house (I lied & said I'd met him at a concert), to be sexually assaulted by him within about two hours.  Rapists will be rapists, I say.  Unfortunately, victims are attractive to those who would victimize us.

Empty sex & mindless inebriation became a regular thing for me after that.  It is only through the healing, sobering, & EMPOWERING journey of pregnancy, birth, & mama-hood that I am really starting to come into my own power again.  In fact, I recently experienced what is termed "spontaneous soul retrieval" in the shamanistic community (see Sandra Ingerman's marvelous book, "Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self" for more information).

"In our culture we are unaware of what is out of spiritual harmony that is creating illness. And because often our soul loss happened so young we are unaware of the unconscious patterns we are living out due to our first experience of soul loss. We are always trying to retrieve our soul. And how we do this is by repeating the same trauma over and over again. The names might change of the people involved in our life story, but the story is often the same." Sound familiar?

I will probably write more on soul loss & soul retrieval later, especially because tonight I'm starting a six-week class about it.  Right now, it feels more important to me to talk about my history.

I'm in this weird place where I really don't want to be around my parents (especially my dad, and especially at their house) but I've set things up(?) so it is this way for now.  I have been here for two days and am generally really surprised at how disingenuous my dad is; it's either inauthenticity or anger without a whole lot of middle ground.  Here I would like to point out that besides the flower essences & homeopathics--which I believe helped with the soul retrieval--but it is since the actual soul retrieval itself that I am seeing everything & everyone in my life with fresh eyes.  It is astounding; I keep reminding myself that it is me, not EVERY OTHER PERSON I KNOW, who has changed.  :)

The soul retrieval also makes it much harder to be around my daughter's dad.  I went over to his place to pick her up a few days ago, and I could not believe how critical, deflective, & passive-aggressive he is. Literally unbelievable, or shocking to me. ("And we do this by repeating the same trauma over and over again.")  They say we marry our parents...

He and I had a falling out of sorts over the weekend.  On Saturday I left her with him for over six hours, and when he brought her home he had not fed her anything (I could tell because she was clearly, visibly hungry).  He told me all he gave her was (cow) milk--bad enough because I had already told him the day before that she is clearly sensitive to/intolerant of dairy (she gets a rash all over her face).  So he either didn't remember or didn't care, because he gave her milk the very next day.  She came home with spots on her face (which he pretended not to notice), and when I was cleaning out her diaper bag a bit later, I found the receipt--for CHOCOLATE milk.  Are you serious?!  At nine-months-old, not only are you not taking care of her health, but you are starting with secrets she is supposed to keep from me?!  Ugh.

It is time for me to begin working the fourth step.  It's so helpful for me to try to keep "One Day At A Time" at the forefront of my mind, because today I can accomplish many good things for myself.

Thanks for reading.

Hello world!

Here I am, single mama in recovery.  Those are not necessarily words I ever thought I would be using to describe myself, but this is where I'm at right now.  Being "in recovery" is powerful.  As my friend Ashley says, "People who aren't working on improving themselves are pretty sick, indeed."  This year it has become really clear to me how important it is to define myself.  I used to be one of those types that "hates labels," but now I can more easily recognize that kind of thinking as "codependence."  (Why label myself when I am a chameleon?)  Out of chameleon-hood, and on to self-definition!

Right now I have two mom's groups I'm attending, one for crunchy, community-building types, and one for trauma survivor types.  Happily(?), I am both.  Membership in each of these groups is bringing distinct gifts, while bringing my "personality defects" to light.  For one, it is much easier for me to be open with the moms in the trauma survivor group, though I'm having a difficult time becoming close to any of the women.

Ahhhh, the dilemma of the child who grew up in trauma--"best friends" who live across the country and the world.  It's a lot harder to befriend our neighbors & community members, right?  Because we are so afraid they will pull back our mask & discover the "real" us.  Of course, we define ourselves the way the abusive members in our life have defined us.  It was only last weekend my "dry drunk" grandmother was calling me "worthless," and only last weekend I was trying to pretend it didn't bother me... But it's okay that it bothered me.  It was scary, it was abusive.  I don't have to go over there again, and right now, I don't think that I will.

I'm somewhere between 10 days and eight weeks as a single mama, depending on your definition of "single."  I put it at somewhere around a month, I guess.  It's messy because, rebellious anti-authoritarians that we were (well, I was, & he is) we said "Marriage is not for us!  We don't need a piece of paper to declare our love!"  So we aren't divorced, but we are living apart, and trying to remain on good terms as best we can.  It was my choice to break up.  I'm working on being gentle & loving towards myself, and part of that is embracing where I was two years ago.  I love that girl, but it is becoming more and more clear how lost she was.

In November my therapist recommended I check out an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meeting, and the next morning I tried out my first one.  I know I cried that first morning, for lots of reasons, including the healing I knew I was headed towards.  Perhaps crying was the first part of my healing, or maybe going to the meeting, or therapy... who knows.  I have been walking a healing path since about February of 2008, when I picked up "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond" and Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now."  Such eye-openers.

It feels so good to be blogging again!  It's been about five years, wow.  Thank YOU, reader, for being here with me.

Which brings me to why I started this blog today... At my Wednesday mother's group I expressed that I have been having a really hard time with compulsive spending & eating, especially because once I am compulsive in the morning, I go for it in the evening, and then the next day, and next day, and soon one day has turned into a week, into a month... so it goes.  Though I have not touched drugs or alcohol since becoming pregnant with my daughter in August of 2009, they told me I am "thinking like an addict."  They said that what I was describing is exactly what happens when an alcoholic falls off the wagon and is suddenly on a six week drinking binge.  Lightbulb moment!

The next day was St. Patrick's Day.  My St. Patty's Days of the past have involved varying levels of sad debauchery.  My lowest point was senior year of college (my loneliest & most isolated year), when I stayed up all night with an emotionally abusive alcoholic pro-life Republican I was sleeping with, went out to the bars at 6 am together, & he proceeded to hit on my friends (in front of me).  (The pain tolerance level of adult children & grandchildren of alcoholics.  Ugh.)

This year I found myself driving home watching all the college students dressed in green, baby girl in the back seat, & missing the taste of alcohol.  I decided it was time to hit my first AA meeting.  I'm proud that I went, as I'm proud anytime I'm taking proactive steps to take care of myself.  I am going to try out different tables & meetings and find the ones that work for me.

I know there is a better world out there for me and my daughter, and I am on the path to find it.  And to create it.

Go mama bear, go!