Spiraling

It's been awhile.

Early recovery sucks.  It's so hard.  I think it would be easier if I wasn't a perfectionist.  I keep learning about more & more of my imperfections, which is unfortunately a cue for me to be self-abusive & abandoning (unless I'm vigilant).  I am so tired of beating myself up.  The frustrating part is that it's hard for me to see the other way.  I am a superstar in my own world, blind to other paths.

I see things so extremely.  I keep thinking my choices are to go back to work and have my daughter raised by strangers, or become homeless but at least I'll get to raise my daughter.  There has got to be some middle ground here!  (I am laughing at myself right now.)  PERFECTIONISM.  All or nothing.  Supermom or Mommy Dearest.  Needless to say, I haven't been looking for jobs too seriously.

But part of that reason is that I don't have a laptop.  Right now I am on my brother's, which he graciously loaned to me for a week.  It is much easier to get online when baby goes down for the night than to drag her to the local library.  I really need a laptop.

I also really need $7,000+ for a place I want to move in to.

If you're reading, I appreciate prayers & good thoughts.  I want to move into prosperity & abundance.

Lastly, "29 Gifts" was a great read about moving from scarcity consciousness & self-pity into self-worth.  Loved it.