Every Experience, A Lesson

I can sometimes remind myself of the thought that "every experience is a lesson."  Right now I'm having trouble with my milk supply (I'm breastfeeding my nine-month-old), and it's difficult to try to understand the lesson in this.  I believe it's partly that I need to remain centered & steady when parenting my daughter around my own parents.

My parents (& their siblings) would be the first to tell you how traumatic and terrible their childhoods were.  My aunt, my mother's sister, likes to say to me, "You don't know what abuse IS, honey!"  Apparently she is the only one who has ever experienced an abusive situation.

I have been working with homeopathics & flower essences, in addition to some other natural remedies, to help heal (and recognize) patterns of abuse.  My brothers and I have been invalidated so many times that it's really hard for us to trust our own experiences.  Do substance abuse, anxiety, & depression issues in our late teens and early 20's not spell out our histories?  One brother has a tendency to say things like, "We were never beaten, so we didn't experience abuse."  Minimizing what happened.  Denying it happened like it did.  Blaming ourselves.  In truth, our parents didn't beat us, but there was a whole lot of other stuff that went on.

Two weeks ago my dad, my brother, my ex-boyfriend/fiance, and myself went out to lunch at a chain Italian restaurant.  For an appetizer, the restaurant serves bread that you dip in olive oil & pepper (both conveniently kept right on your table).  My brother innocently used the last of the olive oil to dip his bread in, enjoying his meal, and my dad leaned across the table and smacked him, "I was going to eat that!"  And I watched my brother shrink down into himself, like a flower wilting before my eyes.

I was furious, I was horrified.  My instinct was to jump across the table and grab my dad by the throat.  I don't remember what I actually said or did, though I know I must have been visibly angry & uncomfortable, but through working with ACA & understanding the Perpetrator-Victim-Rescuer triangle a bit, I decided to remove myself (not act as Rescuer) and say/do nothing in that moment.  However, IF THIS IS GOING ON IN A PUBLIC PLACE WHILE WE ARE ADULTS, WHAT HAPPENED TO US AS CHILDREN?  My memory has so many holes, it's hard to remember.  It's hard to know. 

At 13 I had my first nonconsensual sexual experience when a friend from school assaulted me; I tried my first drink six months later, at 14.  That summer I also tried marijuana for the first time.  The next summer, at 15, was spent being sexually abused by an 18 or 19-year-old guy who told me "this is what a relationship is" (and sadly, I believed him), and he tried to rape me a couple times ("boys will be boys!" I told myself).  When we broke up, I found comfort in an online relationship with another older guy.  I had my dad drop me off at his house (I lied & said I'd met him at a concert), to be sexually assaulted by him within about two hours.  Rapists will be rapists, I say.  Unfortunately, victims are attractive to those who would victimize us.

Empty sex & mindless inebriation became a regular thing for me after that.  It is only through the healing, sobering, & EMPOWERING journey of pregnancy, birth, & mama-hood that I am really starting to come into my own power again.  In fact, I recently experienced what is termed "spontaneous soul retrieval" in the shamanistic community (see Sandra Ingerman's marvelous book, "Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self" for more information).

"In our culture we are unaware of what is out of spiritual harmony that is creating illness. And because often our soul loss happened so young we are unaware of the unconscious patterns we are living out due to our first experience of soul loss. We are always trying to retrieve our soul. And how we do this is by repeating the same trauma over and over again. The names might change of the people involved in our life story, but the story is often the same." Sound familiar?

I will probably write more on soul loss & soul retrieval later, especially because tonight I'm starting a six-week class about it.  Right now, it feels more important to me to talk about my history.

I'm in this weird place where I really don't want to be around my parents (especially my dad, and especially at their house) but I've set things up(?) so it is this way for now.  I have been here for two days and am generally really surprised at how disingenuous my dad is; it's either inauthenticity or anger without a whole lot of middle ground.  Here I would like to point out that besides the flower essences & homeopathics--which I believe helped with the soul retrieval--but it is since the actual soul retrieval itself that I am seeing everything & everyone in my life with fresh eyes.  It is astounding; I keep reminding myself that it is me, not EVERY OTHER PERSON I KNOW, who has changed.  :)

The soul retrieval also makes it much harder to be around my daughter's dad.  I went over to his place to pick her up a few days ago, and I could not believe how critical, deflective, & passive-aggressive he is. Literally unbelievable, or shocking to me. ("And we do this by repeating the same trauma over and over again.")  They say we marry our parents...

He and I had a falling out of sorts over the weekend.  On Saturday I left her with him for over six hours, and when he brought her home he had not fed her anything (I could tell because she was clearly, visibly hungry).  He told me all he gave her was (cow) milk--bad enough because I had already told him the day before that she is clearly sensitive to/intolerant of dairy (she gets a rash all over her face).  So he either didn't remember or didn't care, because he gave her milk the very next day.  She came home with spots on her face (which he pretended not to notice), and when I was cleaning out her diaper bag a bit later, I found the receipt--for CHOCOLATE milk.  Are you serious?!  At nine-months-old, not only are you not taking care of her health, but you are starting with secrets she is supposed to keep from me?!  Ugh.

It is time for me to begin working the fourth step.  It's so helpful for me to try to keep "One Day At A Time" at the forefront of my mind, because today I can accomplish many good things for myself.

Thanks for reading.