Painful birthday

Yesterday was my daughter's dad's birthday.  It was so much easier when I could call him "partner" or "boyfriend," you know?  This weekend was the first time I was really able to start processing the pain of our break up.  Feeling not loved by him triggers so many big feelings in me about feeling unloved and unworthy growing up.  I have been thinking a lot about childhood, which to me is a necessity when you become a parent:

"The unexamined past becomes the future of the next generation" (ACOA Big Book)

I have already been doing this work since becoming pregnant, but that quote above sums it up succinctly.  Abusive behaviors hook into us, and unless we face our painful (often shameful) past, we hand it on down to our kids.  This is what "generational shame and abuse" looks like.  I digress.

Her dad is not working.  Sometimes I forget the first step, that I'm powerless over anyone besides myself, and beg & plead with him to start working and take care of us.  All it does is make him feel criticized and controlled.  An interesting(?) thing about criticism & control is that this weekend I realized, along with "analyzation," that they are the trifecta of what "intimacy" means to me.  Seriously?!  Yes, criticism, control, and analyzation.  Those are not intimate behaviors, but deeply embedded within me is this awful reenactment of "intimacy."  Yuck.  I have been told (by abusive people in my life) that I treat strangers better than loved ones.  I have known that to be true, and I used to justify it.  Now I'm starting to realize that just because someone is horrifically, stupendously not meeting my needs, does not justify my being abusive towards them.  In those instances, it's time to step away.

I am also learning to battle this eating disorder of bingeing.  I am learning there are many ways to "self-soothe" besides with food, but, it will take time to employ them and put them to good use in my daily life.  The food really is an addiction, that sometimes puts my and my daughter's needs aside.  Last night, for example, it was bed time and instead of going home I drove around eating Taco Bell with her in the back seat.  There was a time just a couple weeks ago where she reliably slept in her car seat if she was tired, but now she is fighting it, and there is something really off to me about me sitting up front eating while she squirms and yells in the back seat.  In the car at sunset is certainly not the sleep cue of in bed with the fan on in her pajamas.  Ugh.

I am trying to be easier on myself (I've been told for SO LONG to be easier on myself without knowing how) but it's really difficult when you know a way that is best, yet choose to do something else (even something that is self-harmful, or harmful to others, if only mildly).  Is this being human??  I don't know. This whole "imperfection" thing is difficult for me to wrap my mind around.  :)

I'm feeling much more integrated and connected to myself, and to the universe.  It is actually a relief to feel feelings.  It helps me to be integrated.  I have such trouble loving myself and integrating.  Usually when I "evolve" or change I REALLY devalue how I used to be.  That is part of why I've been devaluing my daughter's dad so much--I don't value who I was when I was with him.  I need to start being gentle and loving with all parts of myself, even the parts that no longer serve me.

The spirit of addiction and abuse runs deep.  It is insidious.  I think this is why her dad & I have such a hard time communicating, and our interactions get really confusing.  We are trying to be loving towards each other, but somehow it keeps getting tangled up.  Is this "us" or is this something that lives inside us?

One cool thing about my Taco Bell car run yesterday is that I was compelled to get off the freeway at an exit I've never been to before.  About 1/2 mile down the road we came across a family of deer.  One deer in particular kept staring at me steadily, even though her family had bounded off a bit.  I walked into the woods to see what their area is like, and it was absolutely beautiful.  Majestic.  I walked around with my daughter, touched some moss and some beautiful old trees, and the energy of that area was so peaceful.  I found a decomposing skull under a big beautiful tree, and I want to ask my teacher what kind of skull it is.  Is it disrespectful to the animal that I only want it if it's wild (racooon, fox, etc.), but not a domesticated dog or cat?  :)  I want to be a woman who runs with the wolves.  The heron, deer, and rabbit are with me right now.

Baby just woke up....

Partying in the landscape of myself

So much has happened since I last wrote!

I just put down the ACA "Big Book."  WOW.  wow, wow, wow wow wowwwww.  I need a highlighter for every sentence.  I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND THIS PROGRAM.  I am so thankful to have picked this book up again in this moment.

Where to start?  What to focus on?

For one, the soul retrieval/shamanism class is incredible.  I didn't know healing could occur at this level, in community.  It is repairing so much within me.  Last week we took a shamanic "journey" through the landscape of our own bodies, and I was saddened, shocked, & dismayed at what I found.  At my root chakra there was an angry red bramble, overgrown to prevent any intrusions.  I got lost in my womb chakra--it was foggy, cold, dark, expansive.  Confusing.  At my solar plexus there was yellow shattered glass.  It was difficult for me to share what I found with the rest of the class, my sisters in healing, because I felt very vulnerable & exposed.

On Wednesday I started with some sea salt baths to detoxify old spiritual & energy matter that is no longer serving me.  Apparently the magnetism of the darkening moon (dark moon was Sunday), mixed with the sea salt, literally pulls old stuff out of your body.  I started small(ish) from Wednesday-Friday, in terms of the amount of salt & the process (having my daughter in there with me, for one!) but Saturday she was with her daddy...

Whoa.  I had a super mystical journey back through the landscape of myself.  I thought the bath was a half hour or so; I got out, and 2-3 hours had passed.  I don't care to name it all here because I think that is disrespectful to what happened.  Let's just say, the healing process is magical indeed.  Later that day I was running faster than I have in a decade, climbing trees, & came across a family of deer who weren't afraid of me.  REALLY cool.

The first day of class was so incredible.  We did this healing circle & I also don't want to describe it, but I am so happy to be embraced in this community of spiritual women.  It is exactly the right place for me.

What's my soul's path?  Healer?  Teacher?  Writer?  Therapist?  I am opening up to abundance, to happiness, to self-love.  I am opening up.

Here, here!